


i have been lost to you, sunlight

by Swimmergirl_01



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bisexual Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Epistolary, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Lesbian Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Literary References & Allusions, M/M, Post-Canon, hawkeye has a cat, letters hawkeye wrote to bj after the war, yes this was inspired by my english class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:34:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29847810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swimmergirl_01/pseuds/Swimmergirl_01
Summary: Unsent letters to B.J. that Hawkeye wrote after the war. Eventually, Hawkeye sends a letter to B.J. confessing his feelings he always felt.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. the never sent

**Author's Note:**

> i include quotes from literature published after 1953 so just pretend crush by richard siken came out in 1950 for narrative sake also the title is from "sunlight" by hozier

August 4th, 1953

~~Beej,~~

~~Bj~~

~~BJ Hunnicutt,~~

~~Captain BJ Hunnicutt,~~

~~My best friend,~~

Beej,

~~I made it home.~~ I thought I’d never seen Maine again. I had to find a way. I had to find a way to survive what we saw, and I did. Thinking of ~~you~~ Maine and Dad and the Snow and the Atlantic. “Gods are stubborn. So am I” (Euripides translated by Anne Carson). I was so determined to remember Maine as I did, I almost (almost) forgot how beautiful it is. The air is so clean Beej. But somehow the sky was bluer in Korea. I’m lying here in my childhood bed not able to sleep, almost missing ~~you~~ my cot. I’m planning to not make light of my promise to sleep for six months, I tried but I can’t I’ve just been laying here thinking (A feat I know). Not being able close my eyes because when I do all I see are those kids. Those boys barely old enough to have hair on their chests, laying open on the table, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do surgery again even something simple as an appendectomy. Just seeing blood is enough to make me spiral. Like the appendectomy I did on Margaret, that’s not something I’ll be able to do again. And I’m a good surgeon. ~~It feels like a waste I’m so fucked up I can’t do the thing I’m best at~~. I should write her ~~. I don’t want to remind her of the war.~~

You know I never read Last of The Mohicans until last night? Couldn’t sleep so I went and read the first book I found. Dad named me after it, but I never got around to reading it. I was always playing with the neighborhood kids and later messing with them in the back of Dads car. Then fucking around in undergrad. Then med school too busy with Carlye. Then the hospital. Then I got drafted. Last night I was awake not able to sleep ~~without you beside me~~ because of the silence and I read it. All of it. I started another book this morning, Dracula, Dad left it out for me when he saw Last of the Mohicans missing from its shelf. ~~While drinking my coffee, that’s actually drinkable, I read a quote that reminds me of you. “There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.”~~

This morning I ate a real egg for the first time in probably two years, Dad doesn’t usually buy them anymore but on a whim, he picked them up for me. ~~I wish I could have shared them with you.~~ If there’s something I never want to eat again its powdered eggs. Or liver and fish.

Sincerely,

Hawkeye

August 19th, 1953

BJ,

Dad wants me to leave the house more, but I can’t bring myself to seeing all these people after seeing what we saw, I just don’t know what to do myself. I only drink beer now everything else brings back too much. And I don’t think Dad would let me drink anything else he’s worried about me I can tell. “Do I not live? Badly, I know, but I live” Sophokles. Dad always just looks at me and I look right back. It’s like he is looking through me making sure I’m real and alive and not just a ghost. He looks at me like I didn’t make it, like he’s having a conversation with my gravestone. I want my gravestone to say “ A friend and lover”, adds a nice touch don’t you think?

I saw a little tabby cat around the porch today, I think it drank the milk I left out. Dad gets home while I’m usually still sitting where he left me in the morning ~~. When gets home from the clinic he keeps suggesting I volunteer but I cant bring myself to. He thinks being Dr. Pierce again is a good idea but what does he know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to be Dr. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce again. Just Hawkeye or even Ben indefinitely.~~ I just read and cook and sit on the porch listening to the radio and the sea.

I went down to the beach today for the first time since I got back, I think the ocean got bigger since I was here. Or I got smaller. I haven’t been able to bring myself down here I didn’t want to ruin my happy memories here. ~~The way I ruin everything else.~~

~~I read another book today, saw a line that reminded me of you, “They are in love. Fuck the war” Thomas Pynchon. Fuck the war Fuck everything about the war. That’s something as long as I live, I’ll never be able to forget, all their faces peering up at me on the table. Or you.~~

You know what the first thing I did when I got home from the war was? Unpack. I’ve never done that before in my life (I’m not one for haste) but I couldn’t have my luggage mocking me. So, I unpacked by burying almost everything in the bottom of a cedar chest. I tucked away a few letters too. Peg wrote me once, that’s one of the letters I saved. I don’t know if you ever knew she wrote me about you. I think I broke up your marriage. I tore at the foundation, sometimes I couldn’t help myself with the way you were looking at me, as if I was your wife. As if we painted the picket fences white. As if we created a marriage. I realized a lot about you and me when I was ~~throwing my uniform somewhere, I would never see it again~~ unpacking. You know what I realized Beej? I came home with one less pair of socks. My favorite socks, you know the ones embroidered with “B.F.P” that we always shared? I wonder where they could have gone Beej ~~. A pair of socks isn’t the only thing I lost. Not the only thing you stole.~~

-Hawkeye

October 8th, 1953

~~BJ~~ Old friend, 

I heard this new song on the radio today. A few minutes ago actually, Til I waltz Again With You. Remember when we waltzed ~~? If I think about it too much, I cant move. I miss you. I miss you so much. Beej you are my best friend. It a horrible thing that brought me you.~~ I’m drunk. Seems I lost my tolerance. Drinking lighter fluid will do that. I only drank beer tonight, but it’s gotten to be so much. I can hardly breath if I think about ~~you~~ it to much. ~~Your bright blue eyes full of light and dumb chuck taylors.~~

If you didn’t show up when you did, I don’t know if I would have made it home and that’s the honest truth ~~. Those are hard to come by these days from me.~~ Beej, I ~~loved~~ needed Trapper not as much as I ~~love~~ needed you. “I felt like I wanted to be alone for a long time… but I saw you” Ada Limón. At least you had the decency to say goodbye. Goodbye, farewell, and amen. I was devastated when we said goodbye, relived that the war was over, but it felt like we were saying goodbye forever. I never even got your address. (I realized I do have it from the letter peg wrote me) I wish I thought to ask. But god when I got in the chopper it felt like my heart was being torn in two. ~~Half of it going to California.~~

I don’t know if Trapper still thinks about ~~me like I think about you.~~ I’m don’t get upset when I think about just missing him anymore, ~~not as much as I think about you leaving~~. I know I’ll see you again, I hope to god I see you again. You, Margaret, Father, Radar. Hell, even Charles. It won’t ever be the same. I think that’s the point of saying goodbye we’re acknowledging that its going to be different next time. 3,000 miles apart or 5 feet. It’s going to be different ~~. I’m scared Beej~~. I’m afraid I’ll be unrecognizable to you. ~~Will you even want me? I’ll always want you so much. I’ve wanted a lot of things but nothing more then a life with you. Wherever or whenever you’ll have me B.J.~~

Remember telling me that B.J. stands what ever I want? I think it should stand for Betty Jane. ~~I wish I could remember the sound of your laugh better.~~ If I had a daughter, I’d name her that. ~~I’d never want to forget you.~~ I don’t think I’d be a good dad, not like you. I hope Erin is doing alright. Is she in school yet? I can’t remember how old she is. ~~With everything else to forget I wish it wasn’t that. Anything else but anything that has to do with you.~~ Is it a crazy thing to say I miss it ~~you~~? I wouldn’t have made it out alive if it weren’t for you, Beej. I know for you the idea of Peg and Erin ~~, your little perfect family~~ , is what kept you sane. I know it wasn’t the gin or me. I know it wasn’t me. Beej, but you kept me sane when the thought of seeing the Atlantic wasn’t enough. I don’t blame you ~~hell, I blame myself.~~ We made it Beej. That’s all that matters. ~~At least I was ablet to have you. That’s all I care about.~~ We made it breathing, those kids made it in body bags. That’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life Beej. All that brass has never had to zip an eighteen year old kid in a body bag because you can’t save him. Because I fucked up. I’ll never let that happen again. I’ll go all the way to the top before I let a “police action” take any more lives. I don’t think the brass ever saw those boys they just saw number and that’s the worst part. We were left to sew them up the best we could. Seeing all those faces in pain it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Children hurt worse then I could ever imagine open in front of me.

Sometimes, during the war, it was so bad I thought it was a nightmare. I was unaware my subconscious could drum up something that horrific. I think I was proven wrong. I think. I felt like I was the only one aware. The only one alive really, I know you ~~were~~ are alive. It didn’t always feel that way. I felt we were going in circles repeated the same hellish day again and again. I felt like I aged decades in 2 years. Stitching up kids day after day will do that.

My nightmares get worse when I drink but that’s how I got through the war half sober to hinder the pain of seeing the pure human suffering we saw. I was scared shitless for 2 years straight; I don’t know how to not be terrified. What did the fucking “police action” do to me? I jump out of my skin at the sound of a glass breaking, Beej. I don’t remember how to be a real person anymore. Just a doctor. That’s what they did to me. Fuck the “police action”. Fuck all the brass. Fuck them. I tried to make them understand. It didn’t fucking work. Potter told me only a doctor is crazy enough to tell them off like I did. I only needed them to listen. I’m still so angry Beej. If I could I stop the fucking I would. ~~Beej I would stop the war and never meet you.~~ What I hate the most is that while I was elbows deep in kids for 27-hour shifts, the brass was planning to make it longer. Not really thinking of the men as living breathing human beings but as numbers. They were never numbers to me Beej, and its going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Listen Beej, I’d stop the war so you could have seen Erin grow up. I’d stop it for a million reasons ~~. I’d stop it even though it brought me you.~~

Fuck I need to stop drinking. Sidney always told me that but when did I ever listen to him. If only he could see me now. I think he’d be surprised.

Yours,

Hawkeye

December 6th, 1953

Beej,

I think you’re lonely BJ. I think you are terrified. Every breathe you take you’re scared shitless; you think they’re still out there. You wake up every morning from nightmares (if you manage to sleep). You wish you had room to think in all that California sunshine. You wish you could write back. I’m sorry you feel this way Beej.

You think I should write a book? Maybe give the American people a real glimpse at the atrocities of war. War isn’t hell. It causes hell. There are no innocents in Hell. We saw plenty of innocents suffer. Too many, not like I ever saw before. I think my book would be boring. What’s interesting about what we did out of boredom. Racing cockroaches? Telling stories of our lives? Sewing up innocents? Everything else is too much to put into words. So no, I don’t think I’ll write a book. I’d grow bored of the fame. I think I’ll sit on the front porch for eternity. Listening to the birds sing and the waves crashing.

Occasionally I hear helicopters flying over and a fear that washes over me is all encompassing, enough so I forget how to breath for a few minutes or a few days, I have to lay in the dark for the rest of the day. I never breathed in Korea or slept really. Just kept drawing on the same breath of air, I only had enough oxygen to survive. I just barely kept afloat; I would have drowned if it weren’t for you.

The tabby cat comes inside now. He likes to sit with me, content to let me pet him all day, he’s a kind thing. I named him Henry. I don’t think I have it in me to be kind anymore. Why were you always so kind to me? I snapped at Dad this morning. He tried to help he always tried to help. I wish I could be helped ~~. By you.~~

I stopped drinking entirely. I just couldn’t anymore I drown my sorrows but when I wake up, they’re still all there. I’m haunted day and night by those faces Beej. I see them ~~and you~~ in my dreams, in my reflection, in the back of my fucking spoons Beej. I feel like I’m suffocating. The only think that lets me escape is being able to read. I have been reading so much, anything and everything I can get ahold of. Just not the paper. I can’t bear the paper. Some nights I go read those letters I keep tucked away. Dad brings me a new book from the library almost every day. A lot of classics. Romance novels. And poetry,

“Never regret thy fall,

O Icarus of the fearless flight

For the greatest tragedy of them all

Is Never to feel the burning light. “– Wilde

It always reminds me of you. You were always so bright. You are so bright. I hope you’re getting tan in the California sun. So bright I’d catch myself looking away hoping you’d never see ~~what I felt.~~ I miss you Beej. Leaving felt like I was torn apart. I’ll never know any love like I felt at the 4077th again. Maybe its better that way. Who could love little ole me? ~~I know you don’t. Not like I do.~~

-Hawk

March 15th, 1953

BJ,

The only verse I remember from the Bible is something the Father told me once, Ecclesiastes 25:13 “Any wound rather than a wound of the heart”. I don’t remember why he was quoting scripture to me as I am not often one to listen. I don’t know why it stuck with me, but it did, like a sore thumb. Maybe because we found love surrounded by death and destruction. “Love him. Love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters?” James Baldwin. That’s something I think about a lot Beej. I try not to think about Korea too much my mind can’t help but wander to you. Or the faces. That’s something I’ll never forget. Everyone I operated on. Man, woman, and child. There’s so many, I see them in my dreams sometimes flashing rapidly. I see you in my dreams the most; you in Maine with me. Me in California with you. In the swamp. Sometimes its dark, sometimes is light. You’re always there Beej, your bright eyes and wide smile.

Sometimes I can almost feel you in my arms. ~~I hope I can touch you again someday even just a brush of our hands would do. Just something.~~

“He touches you,

Like a prayer for which no words exist,

And you feel your heart taking root in your body,

Like you discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.” Richard Siken.

Sometimes when it was bad, I’d pray to a god I don’t even believe in. I’ve always envied the Padre for his conviction and faith after all that we saw. I don’t believe in god because why would he leave us all to suffer and create suffering. Why? Whoever said there are no atheists in foxholes was almost right (also they’ve never been to Korea). I’m an atheist in the way I don’t believe in god, but I believe in the good of people. Especially you BJ. I believe in kindness and love shared between all things. But still, I prayed. Sometimes I still do, late at night after yet another nightmare, I pray to whoever might be listening even if there’s nothing. I pray for you, Radar, Margaret, Father, sometimes I pray for Henry’s family. I pray for Peg and Erin, thankful they got you back. ~~You know I made a promise to myself that I’d get you back even if I didn’t.~~ I pray that the nightmares stop (they haven’t but its better having Henry curled up next to me and Dad down the hallway) its never going to compare to you.

“No other words but love, no other thought but love.” Walt Whitman.

-Hawkeye 


	2. the sent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter Hawkeye sends.

July 27th, 1954

Beej,

“Yes yes yes I do like you. I am afraid to write the stronger word.” Virginia Woolf. I am Beej since they day I meet you. Your bright blue eyes looked deep in my soul and I knew I was gone. You called Frank ferret face and I loved you. I love you Beej. I’m in love with you B.J. Hunnicutt. I’ve always loved you.

“I tell you this

To break your heart.

By which I mean only that it breaks open and never close again

To the rest of the world.” – Mary Oliver

I got your letter, I got all of them. I read them so many times I almost (almost) memorized them. Every detail to remember that you are alive. We made it alive Beej. I love you. I wish I said it sooner. I know that I could’ve, but the fear gripped me so tight, so tight in my chest I choked on it. It doesn’t happen as much anymore. I’ve made my peace. I actually didn’t write Margaret, she wrote me. And she calls sometimes. She met a lovely woman. Radar writes. I sent Henry’s wife a letter. I included some letters I tried to send but I was so scared. But I’m not anymore. You know I even tried to write a letter to Erin? Just to tell her how wonderful you are but I’m sure she figured that out already. I’m sorry it took me so long. Beej please forgive me like you always did. I hope I made you smile by writing; I just wish I could see you again and nothing has changed. It has. You still have that awful caterpillar on your lip? I took to growing a beard, but I’d cut it for you, if you asked.

You know I read the Iliad? You’re my Achilles, Beej. I’m ~~yours~~ your Patroclus. They were lovers, destined to be great warriors, Patroclus would have burned Rome himself, for Achilles. I’d do anything for you, you don’t even have to ask.

Love,

Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i broke it up for the drama of it all follow me on tumblr @hewwointernet

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3


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